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Funny Stuff

Discussion in 'The Swarm Lounge' started by Animal02, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. Jim Prather

    Jim Prather Helluva Engineer

    That made me laugh out loud --- that's funny. :)
  2. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    I roared when I first saw it.
  3. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    Only lovers of Broadway Musicals will truly appreciate this ---
  4. lauraee

    lauraee Helluva Engineer

  5. Milwaukee

    Milwaukee Helluva Engineer

  6. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    Tax advice ��

    Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
    A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    Q: Where will the government get this money?
    A: From taxpayers.

    Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
    A: Only a smidgen of it.

    Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
    A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

    Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
    A: Shut up.

    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:

    * If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
    * if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.
    * if you purchase a computer, it goes to India,Taiwan or China.
    * if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
    * if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
    * if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
    * if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

    Instead keep the money in America by:
    (1) Spending it on BEER, or
    (2) Going to a ballgame, or
    (3) Spending it at a yard sale, or
    (4) Getting Tattoos
    (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

    CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed friend that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

    No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help
    Your friendly tax accountant ����������
    Peacone36, stech81 and lauraee like this.
  7. takethepoints

    takethepoints Helluva Engineer

    Just ran across this. This is the squadron symbol for Colonel Fereydoun Mazandrani, the most celebrated Iranian ace of the Iran-Iraq War:


    The US Navy obviously had a greater influence on Iran's F-14 pilots then just teaching them how to fly.
  8. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    In the midst of all this stay-at-home mess, do you need a little drama in your life? If so, try this ---
  9. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

  10. armeck

    armeck Helluva Engineer

  11. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    You want to see "Yikes"? Try this ---
    TheSilasSonRising likes this.
  12. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    To all the mutts in quarantine ---
  13. RamblinRed

    RamblinRed Helluva Engineer Featured Member

    not all sports are cancelled.
  14. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

  15. TechBurn

    TechBurn Ramblin' Wreck

    My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary”

    > Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
    > Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
    > Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
    > Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
    > Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello
    > Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what
    to wear.
    > Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
    > Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen” You have to gather
    all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is
    still in business.
    > Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all
    dressed up and going Bar hopping.
    > Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a
    Web Designer.
    > Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do
    you want now?”
    > Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving
    outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
    > Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidently
    touch your face.
    > Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue
    Jays 3–1.
    > Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this

    > Hang in there!!!”=
  16. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

    Some "My.... my.... my.... Corona! Whew!" humor

    Funny ... Enjoy!


    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the ... thing in the ... you know the rest.

    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

    JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    Joy Behar from the View: Trump forced the chicken to do that. Impeach Trump immediately

    Adam Schiff: I have irrefutable evidence that Trump is behind it all. We will be forming a congressional investigate committee to look into it so that Trump can be impeached.

    Nancy Pelosi: We must first fund the Kennedy Center and NPR, and finance the Green New Deal initiatives. Then, and only then will we be in a position to allow the chicken to cross the road.

    Don Lemon: I asked you a question. I didn’t invite you here to ask me questions.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

    KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
    stech81, LibertyTurns and TechBurn like this.
  17. TechBurn

    TechBurn Ramblin' Wreck

    Reflections on the Quarantine

    Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

    I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

    Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

    PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

    Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

    I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

    This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

    So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

    My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

    Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Living room’’.

    Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

    Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

    Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
    Techster, LibertyTurns and bwelbo like this.
  18. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

  19. Milwaukee

    Milwaukee Helluva Engineer

    I can’t stop watching this on a loop. Kid got DESTROYED.
  20. Techster

    Techster Helluva Engineer

    Little f'er needs to learn how to hold on to the eggs. Fumbling gets you on the bench, kid.

    Also, gotta like how the parents got two angles of their kid getting the business.

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