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Funny Stuff

Discussion in 'The Swarm Lounge' started by Animal02, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    I think we need a thread of just random stuff to lighten the mood. lifesupport.jpg
     
  2. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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  3. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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  4. Whiskey_Clear

    Whiskey_Clear Helluva Engineer

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  5. jwsavhGT

    jwsavhGT Moderator Staff Member

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  6. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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  7. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    I am sure this one will ruffle a few feathers. :LOL:
    407287_10151312370745644_754020643_23491282_471881828_n.jpg
     
  8. jwsavhGT

    jwsavhGT Moderator Staff Member

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    MODERATOR
    Because architects and engineers need babysitters
     
    Dpjacket, JacketGirl, GT_05 and 5 others like this.
  9. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
     
    jwsavhGT likes this.
  10. Whiskey_Clear

    Whiskey_Clear Helluva Engineer

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    Lmao!
     
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  11. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    It is funny because it is true. :eek:
     
    bwelbo, LibertyTurns and jwsavhGT like this.
  12. Peacone36

    Peacone36 ACCBasketballReport.com Contributing Writer

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    GT_05 and LibertyTurns like this.
  13. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    I pass out these at job meetings.

    ARCHITECTURAL SPECIFICATIONS



    PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS: The Plans and Specifications are without error

    and agree in every detail. Any apparent contradiction between them claimed

    by the Contractor shall be taken as evidence of bad faith on the part of the

    Contractor. In case of disagreement as to the Architect's intent due to

    alleged disagreement between the Plans and Specifications, the Project shall

    be built both ways and the additional cost shall be born by the Contractor.



    CHANGED CONDITIONS: Subsurface conditions differing from those shown on the

    Drawings, and any change in the nature of the Work, shall be viewed as bad

    management on the part of the Contractor and appropriate penalties shall be

    assessed.



    INSPECTION: Armed inspectors will be present at all times to enforce the

    wishes of the Architect.



    VISITORS: All visitors shall be given access to the Project and shall be

    allowed to participate fully in supervision of the Contractor's forces and

    operation of his equipment.



    ACTS OF GOD: Acts of the Architect shall be considered Acts of God and

    shall not be questioned.



    CATASTROPHES: Any and all catastrophes which befall the Contractor during

    execution of the Work shall be satisfactory to the Architect.



    ABSENTEEISM: Should the Architect or any of his staff be absent from the

    job site for an extended period, the Contractor shall send flowers and

    inspirational messages at the rate shown on the bid schedule. At such times

    as the Architect or any of his staff returns to the job site, a ceremony

    appropriate to the occasion shall be arranged by the Contractor.



    PAYMENT: Payment for completed work will be made at the end of the calendar

    month; the calendar month to be as selected by the Architect. It is agreed

    that the Architect's personal checks shall be cashed by the Contractor in a

    gracious spirit.



    ARBITRATION: Disputes which cannot be settled to the satisfaction of the

    Architect and his staff shall be submitted to a board of arbitration

    consisting of the Architect and his staff.



    OBJECTIONS: Objections by the Contractor, herein aforesaid, are

    inadmissible by the terms of this Contract and shall be considered ipso

    facto, quid pro quo, and hic haec hoc. The Contractor shall have no lawyers

    or lawyer-like people in his employ and shall hire none until the Statute of

    Limitations can be applied to the Project herein described.



    DEFINITION OF TERMS: Terms shall be as defined by the Architect to suit the

    Architect. Exhibition by the Contractor of dictionaries refuting the

    Architect shall be considered flagrant violations of proper deportment.


    SUPPLEMENTAL CONSTRUCTION DEFINITIONS



    CONTRACTOR - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.



    ARCHITECT - The one who knows the secrets that the Contractor tries to

    discover.



    ENGINEER - The one the Architect gets to blame when the Project doesn't

    work properly.



    SUBCONTRACTOR - The one the Contractor gets to blame when the Project

    doesn't work properly.



    OWNER - One who orders dinner without looking at the menu. The one who

    pays for whatever the Architect and the Contractor decided to serve him.



    BUILDING INSPECTOR - A former Contractor smart enough to get into another

    line of work. Someone who changes ends in a tug-of-war.



    PROJECT MANAGER - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is

    in a different union.



    SUPERINTENDENT - The Contractor's hired assassin.



    BID - A wild-assed guess carried out to two decimal places.



    BID OPENING - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.



    LOW BIDDER - A Contractor who is wondering what he left out.



    ARCHITECT'S ESTIMATE - The cost of construction in heaven.



    PLANS - The Contractor's peek at the Architect's secret.



    SPECIFICATIONS - The stick used by the Architect to whip the Contractor

    whenever the Contractor makes a wrong guess about the Architect's secret.



    RFI - The Contractor's request for a hint about the Architect's secret.



    PROJECT - A Coliseum in which the Owner is the Christian and the Contractor

    and Architect do battle to see who will be the lion.



    ARCHITECT'S APPROVAL - The coin toss that occurs after the game has begun.



    CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for loosing your shirt under

    perfect control.



    CONTRACTOR'S SCHEDULE - Comic relief in a play about construction.



    CHANGE ORDER - The Contractor's chance to win the lottery.



    DRAW REQUEST - The Contractor's attempt to grab the pot and run before the

    last hand is played.



    OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,

    red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.



    LAY-OFF - An event that usually occurs just before holidays or immediately

    after buying a big-ticket item on time.



    UNION - A group of pseudo-economists who believe that income should

    increase directly proportionate to decline in productivity.



    STRIKE - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.



    DELAYED PAYMENT - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.



    SUBSTANTIAL COMPLETION - The date upon which the Architect gives up.



    LIQUIDATED DAMAGES - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.



    COMPLETION DATE - The point at which liquidated damages begin.



    WARRANTY EXPIRATION DATE - The point in time after which everything ceases

    to work.



    AUDITOR - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.



    LAWYER - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
     
    MWBATL, GTBatGirl96 and Peacone36 like this.
  14. Peacone36

    Peacone36 ACCBasketballReport.com Contributing Writer

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    “The contractor’s hired assassin”

    Where can I find a copy of that?
     
  15. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    Send me a PM with an email and I will sent the Word doc if you would like.......but all I did was copy and paste it.
     
  16. Peacone36

    Peacone36 ACCBasketballReport.com Contributing Writer

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    Yeah I did the same and copied it onto word. Thats good stuff.
     
    Animal02 likes this.
  17. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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    There is a bit of truth in all of it.
     
    Peacone36 likes this.
  18. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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  19. Animal02

    Animal02 Helluva Engineer

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  20. Supersizethatorder-mutt

    Supersizethatorder-mutt Helluva Engineer

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