I pass out these at job meetings.
PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS: The Plans and Specifications are without error
and agree in every detail. Any apparent contradiction between them claimed
by the Contractor shall be taken as evidence of bad faith on the part of the
Contractor. In case of disagreement as to the Architect's intent due to
alleged disagreement between the Plans and Specifications, the Project shall
be built both ways and the additional cost shall be born by the Contractor.
CHANGED CONDITIONS: Subsurface conditions differing from those shown on the
Drawings, and any change in the nature of the Work, shall be viewed as bad
management on the part of the Contractor and appropriate penalties shall be
INSPECTION: Armed inspectors will be present at all times to enforce the
wishes of the Architect.
VISITORS: All visitors shall be given access to the Project and shall be
allowed to participate fully in supervision of the Contractor's forces and
operation of his equipment.
ACTS OF GOD: Acts of the Architect shall be considered Acts of God and
shall not be questioned.
CATASTROPHES: Any and all catastrophes which befall the Contractor during
execution of the Work shall be satisfactory to the Architect.
ABSENTEEISM: Should the Architect or any of his staff be absent from the
job site for an extended period, the Contractor shall send flowers and
inspirational messages at the rate shown on the bid schedule. At such times
as the Architect or any of his staff returns to the job site, a ceremony
appropriate to the occasion shall be arranged by the Contractor.
PAYMENT: Payment for completed work will be made at the end of the calendar
month; the calendar month to be as selected by the Architect. It is agreed
that the Architect's personal checks shall be cashed by the Contractor in a
ARBITRATION: Disputes which cannot be settled to the satisfaction of the
Architect and his staff shall be submitted to a board of arbitration
consisting of the Architect and his staff.
OBJECTIONS: Objections by the Contractor, herein aforesaid, are
inadmissible by the terms of this Contract and shall be considered ipso
facto, quid pro quo, and hic haec hoc. The Contractor shall have no lawyers
or lawyer-like people in his employ and shall hire none until the Statute of
Limitations can be applied to the Project herein described.
DEFINITION OF TERMS: Terms shall be as defined by the Architect to suit the
Architect. Exhibition by the Contractor of dictionaries refuting the
Architect shall be considered flagrant violations of proper deportment.
SUPPLEMENTAL CONSTRUCTION DEFINITIONS
CONTRACTOR - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
ARCHITECT - The one who knows the secrets that the Contractor tries to
ENGINEER - The one the Architect gets to blame when the Project doesn't
SUBCONTRACTOR - The one the Contractor gets to blame when the Project
doesn't work properly.
OWNER - One who orders dinner without looking at the menu. The one who
pays for whatever the Architect and the Contractor decided to serve him.
BUILDING INSPECTOR - A former Contractor smart enough to get into another
line of work. Someone who changes ends in a tug-of-war.
PROJECT MANAGER - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is
in a different union.
SUPERINTENDENT - The Contractor's hired assassin.
BID - A wild-assed guess carried out to two decimal places.
BID OPENING - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
LOW BIDDER - A Contractor who is wondering what he left out.
ARCHITECT'S ESTIMATE - The cost of construction in heaven.
PLANS - The Contractor's peek at the Architect's secret.
SPECIFICATIONS - The stick used by the Architect to whip the Contractor
whenever the Contractor makes a wrong guess about the Architect's secret.
RFI - The Contractor's request for a hint about the Architect's secret.
PROJECT - A Coliseum in which the Owner is the Christian and the Contractor
and Architect do battle to see who will be the lion.
ARCHITECT'S APPROVAL - The coin toss that occurs after the game has begun.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for loosing your shirt under
CONTRACTOR'S SCHEDULE - Comic relief in a play about construction.
CHANGE ORDER - The Contractor's chance to win the lottery.
DRAW REQUEST - The Contractor's attempt to grab the pot and run before the
last hand is played.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.
LAY-OFF - An event that usually occurs just before holidays or immediately
after buying a big-ticket item on time.
UNION - A group of pseudo-economists who believe that income should
increase directly proportionate to decline in productivity.
STRIKE - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
SUBSTANTIAL COMPLETION - The date upon which the Architect gives up.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
COMPLETION DATE - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
WARRANTY EXPIRATION DATE - The point in time after which everything ceases
AUDITOR - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYER - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.