Life Advice for a soon to be 30 yr old

[boger2337]

Hey guys,

This is hard for me to reach out to random people about something I am slightly embarrassed about.
I am a young professional. I work as a Project Planner on major airline and parcel projects. Think MCO (Orlando Airport), FedEx, UPS, and JFK. These are hundred million dollar projects that I plan from top to bottom. This is setting the stage for letting you know I live at home with my mother who has been a single parent for 25 years. She never got back out there and dated again, and mostly shut down after the divorce with my father. They are both civil and communicate, but she wasn't ever set up for success as an individual. Being born in the baby boomer era her goals were to grow up and be a mother and wife. She has worked hard her whole life, I wouldn't always say worked smarter not harder, but she always worked hard and did things by the book. I am currently engaged and we are living with my mother as we are looking for our home....

As of this week we had 2 of our offers accepted on homes we are interested in. 1 is about 4 miles down the road from where we currently are (childhood home), the other is about 20 miles (40 minutes away).
We are going through the process of inspection and negotiations during our due diligence. As I am going through this process I start to become sentimental. My mother was extremely close to her mother (They were best friends). My grandmother passed away in 2017 and I am not sure my mom has recovered from that as she just seems sad most of the time. My grandmother was extremely special to me as well, she helped raise me after the divorce. I took her passing as a platform to better myself and try and make her proud. I went from a zone manager at a local Lowes making roughly 36k to now being at my current company making just over 70k. I left Lowes in 2018 after being there for 7 years off and on through college. I knew I wanted to continue to move up in the world and continue to learn new skills. This has helped tremendously in my career, just the thirst and drive to move up.

After giving you a rather extremely summarized rundown of my history. I feel as if I am stuck. I hate to leave my mother behind. It is hard for me to imagine her not having anyone living with her. We have ruled out her coming with us, as we don't believe it is healthy for mine and my fiancés relationship in the short term. We know long term this will happen as my mother ages into her 80s (she is in her mid 60s now). It breaks my heart to leave her and know I am roughly her main contact in life. Me and my dog are her rocks, and it just feels almost wrong. For someone who has done so much to make sure I have the opportunity to be successful in life, it feels wrong to "abandon her".

I am completely embarrassed to admit I am living in my childhood home, but I feel guilty for leaving or wanting to leave. I feel angry that I struggle with this. I know ultimately I need to leave, but I am unsure on the details. I don't want her to become more depressed and cause her to give up, as she sometimes seems like she already has.

I apologize if this is the wrong place. I fully expect some comments that are harsh, but just ask for some advice. Being an only child with a parent who never really moved on is a very difficult to navigate through life with a completely independent mindset.

After all that is said, I wish you all a happy new year and Go Jackets.

 

[Deleted member 2897]

Hey guys,

This is hard for me to reach out to random people about something I am slightly embarrassed about.
I am a young professional. I work as a Project Planner on major airline and parcel projects. Think MCO (Orlando Airport), FedEx, UPS, and JFK. These are hundred million dollar projects that I plan from top to bottom. This is setting the stage for letting you know I live at home with my mother who has been a single parent for 25 years. She never got back out there and dated again, and mostly shut down after the divorce with my father. They are both civil and communicate, but she wasn't ever set up for success as an individual. Being born in the baby boomer era her goals were to grow up and be a mother and wife. She has worked hard her whole life, I wouldn't always say worked smarter not harder, but she always worked hard and did things by the book. I am currently engaged and we are living with my mother as we are looking for our home....

As of this week we had 2 of our offers accepted on homes we are interested in. 1 is about 4 miles down the road from where we currently are (childhood home), the other is about 20 miles (40 minutes away).
We are going through the process of inspection and negotiations during our due diligence. As I am going through this process I start to become sentimental. My mother was extremely close to her mother (They were best friends). My grandmother passed away in 2017 and I am not sure my mom has recovered from that as she just seems sad most of the time. My grandmother was extremely special to me as well, she helped raise me after the divorce. I took her passing as a platform to better myself and try and make her proud. I went from a zone manager at a local Lowes making roughly 36k to now being at my current company making just over 70k. I left Lowes in 2018 after being there for 7 years off and on through college. I knew I wanted to continue to move up in the world and continue to learn new skills. This has helped tremendously in my career, just the thirst and drive to move up.

After giving you a rather extremely summarized rundown of my history. I feel as if I am stuck. I hate to leave my mother behind. It is hard for me to imagine her not having anyone living with her. We have ruled out her coming with us, as we don't believe it is healthy for mine and my fiancés relationship in the short term. We know long term this will happen as my mother ages into her 80s (she is in her mid 60s now). It breaks my heart to leave her and know I am roughly her main contact in life. Me and my dog are her rocks, and it just feels almost wrong. For someone who has done so much to make sure I have the opportunity to be successful in life, it feels wrong to "abandon her".

I am completely embarrassed to admit I am living in my childhood home, but I feel guilty for leaving or wanting to leave. I feel angry that I struggle with this. I know ultimately I need to leave, but I am unsure on the details. I don't want her to become more depressed and cause her to give up, as she sometimes seems like she already has.

I apologize if this is the wrong place. I fully expect some comments that are harsh, but just ask for some advice. Being an only child with a parent who never really moved on is a very difficult to navigate through life with a completely independent mindset.

After all that is said, I wish you all a happy new year and Go Jackets.

1) I am not qualified to give you advice.
2) Thank you for sharing your situation.
3) My advice is no matter what, think and pray on it and include your fiance on all your thoughts. Following your heart and gut will lead you in the best direction more often than not.
4) Don't ever be embarrassed of your situation. We are all different, have been through different life experiences, as have our families.

Now some deeper thoughts. I do think you and your fiance need to find your own way and be on your own. If your Mom needs assistance (due to age, etc.), you could certainly look for something with a detached mother-in-law suite, etc. But you all are building your own lives and own identities together and you need your space. If you can find some middle ground where you all aren't very far apart, that will probably help your Mom. I am guessing she will understand your need to be on your own? Have you discussed this with her? If you haven't in grave detail, I encourage you to share all these same feelings with her. Regardless of how things go, I would imagine she would really appreciate knowing how much you love her, are dedicated to her happiness, and how much all this is weighing on you.

 

[Tech93]

I wouldn’t look at it as you are leaving her but that you are creating some space for you and your fiancé with your mom in your life. There is nothing wrong with being close with your family. I am 50 years old now and made the decision after graduating from GT to come live back near my family. In doing so it has been very fulfilling to share those years with my mom and immediate family. I have also been very successful with my career so you can do both. My mom lives within 1.5 miles from me and is now in her 80’s and we still have a wonderful relationship.

 

[MidtownJacket]

Can't echo and amplify the above posts enough, but I will still add my own.. You did a brave thing opening up to us all and talking about your decisions. During this time (pandemic and other craziness out there) it can be easy to quickly feel unmoored, lost and stuck. I'm happy this community of GT Nuts we have on here can help fill some of the void you're feeling. I appreciate you sharing it with us, and if anyone comes on here to throw stones, may the almighty banhammer smite them.

As a guy who also comes from a close-knit family I know it can feel tough to create space for a spouse, but what I have found is open communication greatly helps remove the challenge. If you find it easier, you might try writing a letter to your mom expressing what you said above about the joy it has brought you to share space with her, your appreciation for what she has given you, and your excitement and anxiety about this next phase of your life. You are taking on a lot, and all together, in getting married/moving out/buying a home/continuing to grow and develop at work so it is natural to feel a little overwhelmed. People, and men especially, don't spend enough time examining and talking about the effects emotions can have on us. Which is unfortunate since it is healthy to do so.

Spoiler: Context for the advice I would give TL;DR I lived with my brother while he got engaged and had similar experiences

After my little brother graduated we got an apartment together. I travelled 5 days a week for work so when was ready to buy his first house I moved in with him and helped him get established there as a "renter" for about two years. During that time he got engaged so we went through a similar scenario. His fiancé often felt like when I was home he and I had a different vibe, and she would sometimes feel left out or like she was competing for his attention. It wasn't intentional, just natural that we were always carrying on about sports or old friends and it was tough for her to "fit in" to that dynamic. Totally reasonable. We talked about it often and worked on trying to be more inclusive, but the thing was, it just wasn't a healthy way for them to build their next chapter.

His wife and I had then, and continue to have, a great relationship as well, but even now she feels (as does my wife) the cadence and beat of everyone's relationships (her to him, and my wife to me) are different when my brother and I are around eachother. My brother and I are thick as thieves, and even now 8 years later and me living halfway across the country we talk or text almost everyday. I enjoyed living with him, and wouldn't have traded the experience, but we grew out of that phase of our lives.

There never was any animosity or sense of loss from any of us, it was just time to move on.

Often, in the absence of information, our thoughts go to our biggest fears. I'm not sure how much you have shared with your mom, but it didn't sound like she was saying she felt abandoned, just you worrying she might. If that is the case, who knows, maybe she will feel differently than you imagine. What you feel is natural, and important to recognize and talk through with both your mom and your future wife. They are two of the most important relationships you can have in life so being clear about their value to you is a great thing. Don't feel weird about feeling weird, just voice it and talk through it with them. I am sure they will understand and appreciate the candor.

As to more concrete things you can do, I would suggest you talk to your mom openly about finding hobbies you can share (that include others) to help expand her relationships. There are tons of options for online book clubs, message boards (like this one or other interests), etc to help her meet new people even in a pandemic.

Lastly, take time to celebrate and congratulations on the job growth, impending wedding, house purchase and other areas of your life. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for, and Go Jackets indeed!

 

[Deleted member 2897]

Oh, one last thought. If your wife wonders how you came up with your ideas and suggestions, tell her you've been thinking about it a lot. Don't tell her you solicited advice from random people you don't know on the internet.

 

[Fatmike91]

Let mom have the dog if she wants.

You need to move on to advance your career/life.

You've already stayed in your childhood home about ~10 years too long.

/

 

[bos]

I have lived with my parents until I was 26, then lived next door to them for 3 years. in 2019, at age 29 is when I finally got married and moved a little further away. I am now 35 minutes away from them. We are immigrants, refugees, and they don't speak English so they are dependent on me. I feel that my relationship with them has only grown since I moved. It was actually better for them. It's hard at first but your mother and you will adjust. Good luck.

 

[Milwaukee]

When I was your age my mother told me NOT to get a tattoo of Roy Orbison. But what momma don’t know won’t hurt her. - Coach Kline

 

[Buzzbomb]

No offense to FatMike91, however yesterday is over with. Many young people stay at home later or move back home(the 2007 recession helped blow up some of those decisions). Live for today. I recommend reading Ruiz’ Four Agreements.

From my spiritual side, please seek out your Minister/Pastor/Reverend/Priest for guidance. You have a lot on your plate, therefore counseling wasn’t my first thought. It takes time. Regression Therapy took me years, and co- dependency to draw good boundaries, almost 7 months. If you don‘t prefer those options, go to the people who know you best. Mom, Dad, Fiancé, Friends.

May Christ be with you, always. Prayers going out for your happiness and trust in God’s Plan,
Kirk.

 

[Heisman's Ghost]

Can't echo and amplify the above posts enough, but I will still add my own.. You did a brave thing opening up to us all and talking about your decisions. During this time (pandemic and other craziness out there) it can be easy to quickly feel unmoored, lost and stuck. I'm happy this community of GT Nuts we have on here can help fill some of the void you're feeling. I appreciate you sharing it with us, and if anyone comes on here to throw stones, may the almighty banhammer smite them.

As a guy who also comes from a close-knit family I know it can feel tough to create space for a spouse, but what I have found is open communication greatly helps remove the challenge. If you find it easier, you might try writing a letter to your mom expressing what you said above about the joy it has brought you to share space with her, your appreciation for what she has given you, and your excitement and anxiety about this next phase of your life. You are taking on a lot, and all together, in getting married/moving out/buying a home/continuing to grow and develop at work so it is natural to feel a little overwhelmed. People, and men especially, don't spend enough time examining and talking about the effects emotions can have on us. Which is unfortunate since it is healthy to do so.

Spoiler: Context for the advice I would give TL;DR I lived with my brother while he got engaged and had similar experiences

After my little brother graduated we got an apartment together. I travelled 5 days a week for work so when was ready to buy his first house I moved in with him and helped him get established there as a "renter" for about two years. During that time he got engaged so we went through a similar scenario. His fiancé often felt like when I was home he and I had a different vibe, and she would sometimes feel left out or like she was competing for his attention. It wasn't intentional, just natural that we were always carrying on about sports or old friends and it was tough for her to "fit in" to that dynamic. Totally reasonable. We talked about it often and worked on trying to be more inclusive, but the thing was, it just wasn't a healthy way for them to build their next chapter.

His wife and I had then, and continue to have, a great relationship as well, but even now she feels (as does my wife) the cadence and beat of everyone's relationships (her to him, and my wife to me) are different when my brother and I are around eachother. My brother and I are thick as thieves, and even now 8 years later and me living halfway across the country we talk or text almost everyday. I enjoyed living with him, and wouldn't have traded the experience, but we grew out of that phase of our lives.

There never was any animosity or sense of loss from any of us, it was just time to move on.

Often, in the absence of information, our thoughts go to our biggest fears. I'm not sure how much you have shared with your mom, but it didn't sound like she was saying she felt abandoned, just you worrying she might. If that is the case, who knows, maybe she will feel differently than you imagine. What you feel is natural, and important to recognize and talk through with both your mom and your future wife. They are two of the most important relationships you can have in life so being clear about their value to you is a great thing. Don't feel weird about feeling weird, just voice it and talk through it with them. I am sure they will understand and appreciate the candor.

As to more concrete things you can do, I would suggest you talk to your mom openly about finding hobbies you can share (that include others) to help expand her relationships. There are tons of options for online book clubs, message boards (like this one or other interests), etc to help her meet new people even in a pandemic.

Lastly, take time to celebrate and congratulations on the job growth, impending wedding, house purchase and other areas of your life. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for, and Go Jackets indeed!

Midtown is a very wise man. Lots of good advice. I am 66 and my parents have been gone for some time now. You are about to start a new life. Do as Midtown suggests and embrace it, celebrate it while recognizing the challenges. If you are happy, engaged, and communicate with your mother she will be much happier. Encourage your mother to seek new friends, activities, anything that will bolster her spirits. My wife went through a similar challenge after my daughter moved to Atlanta. She has become more involved in our church, has volunteered in local causes and found involvement with people to be a panacea of sorts. Being a different sort of person I never had the "empty nest" syndrome but still complain about paying for my daughter's new car. Stupid but these things happen. It is part of living and we all have to deal with it. Best of luck to you and I will say a prayer for your mother.

 

[Heisman's Ghost]

I have lived with my parents until I was 26, then lived next door to them for 3 years. in 2019, at age 29 is when I finally got married and moved a little further away. I am now 35 minutes away from them. We are immigrants, refugees, and they don't speak English so they are dependent on me. I feel that my relationship with them has only grown since I moved. It was actually better for them. It's hard at first but your mother and you will adjust. Good luck.

Your parents have a devoted and caring son. What a blessing!

 

[LongforDodd]

You've received alot of great information here but the bottom line is that you, your mother, and your finacee all need counseling. There are alot of dependencies/codependencies that have formed over the years that need untangling. None of you can move forward properly in your lives with all of these entanglements. Your future life together with your fiancee depends on it not to mention your mother.

You'll find the answers. Good luck!

 

[takethepoints]

Echoing many above: I'm not qualified to give you advice.

Most of the above good advice - and I second most of it - is based on your life situation. But you said you felt stuck. If you think your life in general is stuck, then I'd advise going to your nearest bookstore (live or net) and buying What Color is Your Parachute? then doing the flower exercise in the book. I do this about every 5 - 6 years myself. It's a great way to evaluate your life and how it is going.

Chances are you are already doing what you want with your life, of course. But using Parachute will re-affirm you in your course.

 

[DCSS]

Assuming she wants you to stay, there could be some advantages to living in your mother’s house. No house payment/rent = savings. If and when you and your future wife decide to have kids, who would you trust more to keep them than your own mother? Shared utility bills/grocery bills = savings. You could save your money or invest it and retire early. Plus, you’ll inherit her house eventually while building equity in it for any improvements you make along the way. If there are uncertain economic times in the future, having a home with no mortgage is an advantage if you’re between jobs.

Just some random thoughts about what you could put in the pro column for staying.

 

[Milwaukee]

Assuming she wants you to stay, there could be some advantages to living in your mother’s house. No house payment/rent = savings. If and when you and your future wife decide to have kids, who would you trust more to keep them than your own mother? Shared utility bills/grocery bills = savings. You could save your money or invest it and retire early. Plus, you’ll inherit her house eventually while building equity in it for any improvements you make along the way. If there are uncertain economic times in the future, having a home with no mortgage is an advantage if you’re between jobs.

Just some random thoughts about what you could put in the pro column for staying.

And also the AYCE meatloaf.

 

[DCSS]

And also the AYCE meatloaf.

 

[MountainBuzzMan]

Be sure to get a well made T-shirt to mark the occasion that says 30 Happens. Mine is a great yard work shirt and it is 27 years old. I plan to get it a shirt that says 30-Happens when it turns 30.

 

[ThatGuy]

Wow, OP. that's definitely a heady place to find yourself. Lots going on, and lots to unpack. Kudos for thinking about it, and for bringing it up. As Steven Wright famously said, "Sometimes it's best to tell your problems to a stranger on a bus."

Lots of great advice above. Some thoughts from someone about 12 years further down the road than you are:

1. Communication is key. As others have said, do you know what your mom is feeling about this? I'm fairly certain that a lot of these changes are big for her, too - in particular, in spite of my having lived >2000 miles away from my family for years, it was my getting married that really affected my mom. At the same time, who knows? She may be saying, "I'm ready to get involved with a group of people my age and start taking over the town. Get out of my house already." The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

The solution to that issue is to lay it all on the table and talk about it with your mom and your fiancée. Make sure they know what's weighing on you, and that you know what's weighing on them.

2. Your fiancée is your partner. Definitely speak to her/him about it, probably before speaking to your mom. You've chosen them, and they're your partner - so you two need to be clear on what both your priorities are. (And if you initially disagree, know that both of you have valid feelings. Now you have to figure out where to meet in the middle.)

3. It can be nice to live nearby. I still live 2000 miles away from my parents - and I miss them daily. Especially now that I have kids, and they're not close enough to be a regular part of my kids' lives. Getting on FaceTime helps, but it would be so much easier to walk a few houses down (like I could with my grandparents growing up). Lucky for you, even 20 miles/40 mins away is really close.

4. At the same time, boundaries are crucial. You and your fiancée are starting a new life together, and that life is about the two of you. If you decide to go with the place closer to your mom, you'll likely give her a key to the house - which is fine. But if you choose that path, I strongly recommend asking her to call or text before coming over. It's now your space, your lives, and you don't want to invite a situation where you and your fiancée now feel like the space is not your haven.

5. If you're worried about her not moving on, I'll say it again - talk to her about it. She knows you're moving out. She knows this is happening. So ask her what she plans to do when you're not around as much? Are there any groups she wants to get involved with? Are there things she's wanted to do for a while that she now can? My wife was in a similar situation to you - and when she moved out, her mom joined a "newcomer's group" to her town. They met for breakfast, went to events, and just generally were social. It became her lifeline after the divorce, and now she has so much of a social life that it's tough to get time on her calendar for a visit.

No matter what, there's no simple choice here. You have to think through the pros and cons of each (in fact, if you haven't yet, I'd recommend writing down a list of pros and cons for both houses/situations, and seeing which one stacks up the best. Sometimes it's a wash, but sometimes it will surprise you.

Regardless, you have to do what's right for you. Your mom's life is her own - and while it sounds like she loves you deeply, there's also an empowering side to reclaiming oneself after years of being "boger2337's mother" or "boger2337's dad's wife." You (and she) may be surprised at what awakens from this change.

You'll find the answers - good luck!