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Life Advice for a soon to be 30 yr old
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<blockquote data-quote="ThatGuy" data-source="post: 798632" data-attributes="member: 3440"><p>Wow, OP. that's definitely a heady place to find yourself. Lots going on, and lots to unpack. Kudos for thinking about it, and for bringing it up. As Steven Wright famously said, "Sometimes it's best to tell your problems to a stranger on a bus."</p><p></p><p>Lots of great advice above. Some thoughts from someone about 12 years further down the road than you are:</p><p></p><p>1. <strong>Communication is key.</strong> As others have said, do you know what your mom is feeling about this? I'm fairly certain that a lot of these changes are big for her, too - in particular, in spite of my having lived >2000 miles away from my family for years, it was my getting married that really affected my mom. At the same time, who knows? She may be saying, "I'm ready to get involved with a group of people my age and start taking over the town. Get out of my house already." The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.</p><p></p><p>The solution to that issue is to lay it all on the table and talk about it with your mom and your fiancée. Make sure they know what's weighing on you, and that you know what's weighing on them.</p><p></p><p>2. <strong>Your fiancée is your partner.</strong> Definitely speak to her/him about it, probably before speaking to your mom. You've chosen them, and they're your partner - so you two need to be clear on what both your priorities are. (And if you initially disagree, know that both of you have valid feelings. Now you have to figure out where to meet in the middle.)</p><p></p><p>3. <strong>It can be nice to live nearby.</strong> I still live 2000 miles away from my parents - and I miss them daily. Especially now that I have kids, and they're not close enough to be a regular part of my kids' lives. Getting on FaceTime helps, but it would be so much easier to walk a few houses down (like I could with my grandparents growing up). Lucky for you, even 20 miles/40 mins away is <em>really</em> close.</p><p></p><p>4. At the same time, <strong>boundaries are crucial.</strong> You and your fiancée are starting a new life together, and that life is about the two of you. If you decide to go with the place closer to your mom, you'll likely give her a key to the house - which is fine. But if you choose that path, I strongly recommend asking her to call or text before coming over. It's now your space, your lives, and you don't want to invite a situation where you and your fiancée now feel like the space is not your haven.</p><p></p><p>5. If you're worried about her not moving on, I'll say it again - <strong>talk to her about it</strong>. She knows you're moving out. She knows this is happening. So ask her what she plans to do when you're not around as much? Are there any groups she wants to get involved with? Are there things she's wanted to do for a while that she now can? My wife was in a similar situation to you - and when she moved out, her mom joined a "newcomer's group" to her town. They met for breakfast, went to events, and just generally were social. It became her lifeline after the divorce, and now she has so much of a social life that it's tough to get time on her calendar for a visit.</p><p></p><p>No matter what, there's no simple choice here. You have to think through the pros and cons of each (in fact, if you haven't yet, I'd recommend writing down a list of pros and cons for both houses/situations, and seeing which one stacks up the best. Sometimes it's a wash, but sometimes it will surprise you.</p><p></p><p>Regardless, you have to do what's right for you. Your mom's life is her own - and while it sounds like she loves you deeply, there's also an empowering side to reclaiming oneself after years of being "boger2337's mother" or "boger2337's dad's wife." You (and she) may be surprised at what awakens from this change. </p><p></p><p>You'll find the answers - good luck!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ThatGuy, post: 798632, member: 3440"] Wow, OP. that's definitely a heady place to find yourself. Lots going on, and lots to unpack. Kudos for thinking about it, and for bringing it up. As Steven Wright famously said, "Sometimes it's best to tell your problems to a stranger on a bus." Lots of great advice above. Some thoughts from someone about 12 years further down the road than you are: 1. [B]Communication is key.[/B] As others have said, do you know what your mom is feeling about this? I'm fairly certain that a lot of these changes are big for her, too - in particular, in spite of my having lived >2000 miles away from my family for years, it was my getting married that really affected my mom. At the same time, who knows? She may be saying, "I'm ready to get involved with a group of people my age and start taking over the town. Get out of my house already." The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. The solution to that issue is to lay it all on the table and talk about it with your mom and your fiancée. Make sure they know what's weighing on you, and that you know what's weighing on them. 2. [B]Your fiancée is your partner.[/B] Definitely speak to her/him about it, probably before speaking to your mom. You've chosen them, and they're your partner - so you two need to be clear on what both your priorities are. (And if you initially disagree, know that both of you have valid feelings. Now you have to figure out where to meet in the middle.) 3. [B]It can be nice to live nearby.[/B] I still live 2000 miles away from my parents - and I miss them daily. Especially now that I have kids, and they're not close enough to be a regular part of my kids' lives. Getting on FaceTime helps, but it would be so much easier to walk a few houses down (like I could with my grandparents growing up). Lucky for you, even 20 miles/40 mins away is [I]really[/I] close. 4. At the same time, [B]boundaries are crucial.[/B] You and your fiancée are starting a new life together, and that life is about the two of you. If you decide to go with the place closer to your mom, you'll likely give her a key to the house - which is fine. But if you choose that path, I strongly recommend asking her to call or text before coming over. It's now your space, your lives, and you don't want to invite a situation where you and your fiancée now feel like the space is not your haven. 5. If you're worried about her not moving on, I'll say it again - [B]talk to her about it[/B]. She knows you're moving out. She knows this is happening. So ask her what she plans to do when you're not around as much? Are there any groups she wants to get involved with? Are there things she's wanted to do for a while that she now can? My wife was in a similar situation to you - and when she moved out, her mom joined a "newcomer's group" to her town. They met for breakfast, went to events, and just generally were social. It became her lifeline after the divorce, and now she has so much of a social life that it's tough to get time on her calendar for a visit. No matter what, there's no simple choice here. You have to think through the pros and cons of each (in fact, if you haven't yet, I'd recommend writing down a list of pros and cons for both houses/situations, and seeing which one stacks up the best. Sometimes it's a wash, but sometimes it will surprise you. Regardless, you have to do what's right for you. Your mom's life is her own - and while it sounds like she loves you deeply, there's also an empowering side to reclaiming oneself after years of being "boger2337's mother" or "boger2337's dad's wife." You (and she) may be surprised at what awakens from this change. You'll find the answers - good luck! [/QUOTE]
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